Fertility, A Wild Beast

She is the wild roar of the untamable. She beckons, calling attention to her at all hours. She is present in subtle glances, and pronounced in love’s dance. She is awake – and so are you!

A Summary of Me + Fertility

My journey with fertility has been full of surprises and growth. Shortly after I became a moon mama (aka got my period), people began to approach me asking if I was pregnant. I enjoyed the attention, and would often stick my belly out further as I responded ‘no’ (I was a young teen).

After my first love, and my first heart break, I became more aware of my body. With the power of my mind and heart, I was able to experience beauty and bliss more readily. Somehow, that heartbreak opened a whole new world – or unhindered some current within me that had previously gone unnoticed.

I had a great desire to become a mother. As I aged and gained experience, I sought to learn about the responsibilities of mothering. I began to ready myself to make a family of my own. Then came a second heartbreak, a loss that felt evermore raw as I let go of my home, work, friends, family, and a spiritual practice that went along with my life at the time. I was in my twenties.

A catalyzing force of healing and love was then shown to me by a profound mother. She taught me that family is sacred, like Yoga. She offered me space to mourn my losses, to heal, and to gain strength and clarity. As the springtime of my new self emerged, the seed of her wisdom sprouted within and I once again fell in love, willing to give the Yoga of Family an opportunity to grow. And I once again experienced heartbreak.

Now in my thirties, I laugh as I ride this wild beast of fertility. Where she takes me, I never know.  But I may know something – my story is incomplete. Fertility will be with me until my death.

Making Sense of It All

Yet, I wondered… for what reason has there been so much heart “break”? True that I’ve gained “heart” through each experience. But the break?

That question alone began a journey of self-inquiry. The deeper I explored my thoughts and behaviors, the more I noticed that they made up sequences of a pattern. Imagine a constellation of stars, all circumambulating with varied light years around some deep, dark, and scary black hole. And one idea – to explore the black hole of my heart.

Self-exploration led me to a field of study called pre- and perinatal psychology. Researchers have discovered that the stages of conception, intra-uterine life, the onset of labor and birth, and the severing of the umbilical chord lay the very foundation of a person’s well being. These experiences make up a condensed version of what becomes the biographical and developmental stages of the human being (the aging process). And at the center of it all? Fertility – a formless yet encompassing force.

If I have experienced heartbreak about once a decade beginning as a teenager, did I experience it as a child, a newborn, or in my mother’s womb? What can I do now to shift the pattern? At 9, my parents divorced. As a young child, my parents sometimes yelled at me when my desires differed from theirs and they became frustrated. As a pre-verbal child, they didn’t always understand my cues. As an infant, it was fashionable for babies to cry themselves to sleep (child of the 80’s!).

But when I regressed further, I recognized that the severing of my umbilical chord was a big heartbreak, and it is one that often goes unnoticed in the lives of multitudes of our children. The severance is the end to life inside of the mother, and the beginning of life as an autonomous human being. It deserves our respect and awareness. In my case, the process was abrupt and occurred shortly after birth – just like you see in the movies.

Research on the importance of these condensed pre- and perinatal experiences was not yet trending in the eighties. My parents were unaware that it was possible to offer soothing words, relatable feelings, or compassionate understanding of the highly sensitive transition. In fact, they were not given that by their parents, either.

There are powerful, therapeutic tools available that enable a person to find the edge of their nerves where stress hormones have gradually nailed in the dulling patterns of our lives. Craniosacral Therapy and Somatic Therapies (amongst a multitude of other professional disciplines) offer methods for walking out onto said edge while providing discharge of toxic buildup. A soothing and calming rhythm shifts through the mind, body, and heart that has the potential to create lasting change.

Imagine what that means for how we birth and raise our families! And for how we relate with our family and friends. It is never too late – you are right on time, riding that wild beast of great mystery.

Written by,
Shaina Levee
© Birth Love Family